July 7th 2022: Texas

Here I am, living into another year. It’s been a year since I’ve moved to Texas. What has happened this year? So much has been coming out of me. This year challenged me. I’ve been feeling so tender that being vulnerable feels repulsive at times. It’s been a slow process of letting all the grief come out of me. Ooze out of me, peel off of me, hang around me. The grief has been heavy. I know myself in ways I’ve never had the intimacy to know. I have communicated this person with others. I’ve been vocalizing her needs. I’ve been sitting with myself. With her. Just witnessing who I am. Without pretense. As the parts of me that I once felt familiar with shifted. Shaped and then lost form again. So many aspect of myself have not felt complete this year. Not cohesive anyway.

My spiritual practice could have been a buffer or even a clarifying tool during these times but I’ve depended less on my practices and more on the transformative use of time. Letting the days pass as I get acclimated to Texas. It’s felt like a whole year of getting adjusted to a new way of being. The heat, the humidity, the people, the spirits, and the outdoors. I’ve been too tired to connect at times. Taken in by the need to sleep whenever I meditate. In the spirit of therapy and not doing 110%, I’ve been doing increasingly less and seeing if that still garners spiritual resonance.

I’ve been being a regular nigga out here in the world. Adjusting to a life with new rules. Perhaps it’s dangerous of me to come out to the south as I have, just on the hunches of my spirits and love of my family. There are other things out here to be careful of, the south is known for it’s intensity of energy and Spiritual happenings. Yes, in fact I do think I am a fool for being here. Foolish enough to believe that I need to be here doing something for the lands and people living and not living on them. Something. Foolish enough to believe that I belong here. To know that these lands are my lands, my peoples lands, and if I’m gonna call a place home, these lands would be where I’d be welcomed. Respect earned but welcomed none the less.

It was foolish of me to think that there was something here for me but I did and there is.

The cost of me being here has been very high. It has taken me many deaths and many rebirths to be in right relations on these lands. I’ve had to be very clear about who I am going to be, how I am going to act and the ways I’m going to communicate and what I believe about myself. These reflections have challenged me down to my core. But I keep breathing and I keep showing up for myself. It’s not all figured out and it’s not all perfect. But I am living with intention. Nothing in my life is an unnecessary obligation. I am exhausted and yet still very proud.

My hope is to continue making improvements in my mental and physical health and overtime deepen my spiritual practice. I have allowed my spiritual practice to linger in the distance because I had spent so many years with it at the forefront of my actions and motivations. Now I look to blend the magic and the mundane as my ancestors have so easily here in the south. To immerse myself in a culture of conjure and root work, to see it wherever I go and in all aspects of who I am. To be less identifiable as a spiritual person and it’s aesthetics and more aligned with being the living blood of my lineage. A child of purpose and love.

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